If your wife wants to be a surrogate, you’re probably experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. You might be wondering how this will affect you and your family, or maybe surrogacy is a foreign concept to you all together. To get more information about surrogacy and how you can support your partner during her surrogacy journey, contact a surrogacy professional today.
By choosing to become a surrogate, your partner is making a selfless decision that comes from a place of compassion. But surrogacy is a long and complex journey, and it’s important that the surrogate’s spouse is supportive of her decision and is prepared to support her throughout the process.
We understand that this can be a lot to take in, especially if surrogacy is a new concept to you. You might be worried about your partner’s wellbeing or how surrogacy may affect your relationship. That’s why we’ve created this article to answer questions you might have and tell you how you can show your support during your partner’s surrogacy.
Understanding Your Partner’s Decision
“My wife wants to be a surrogate and I don’t know how to feel about it.”
If this echoes how you might be feeling, you’re not alone. This can be a lot to process.
If your spouse has talked to you about wanting to be a surrogate, this can be a lot to process at first. One of the biggest questions the partners of surrogates often have is about their spouse’s motivation to be a surrogate. This is of course something you should discuss with your partner. But ultimately, at the core of most surrogates’ decision to be a gestational carrier is the altruistic desire to help a couple struggling with fertility, a hopeful single parent or an LGBT couple have a child that is genetically related to them.
The two of you have had the amazing opportunity of knowing the joy of being a parent. Your spouse might enjoy the feeling of being pregnant so much that she wants to use her reproductive ability to give hopeful intended parents the chance to experience the same joy.
It can be hard to wrap your head around why someone would want to carry a child for someone else, but this is a choice that your partner isn’t making lightly. She has likely thought about this for some time, and feels strongly about helping hopeful intended parents grow their family.
It’s also important to understand that it was likely difficult for her to talk about with you. Surrogacy is long and complex process, and she will need your support in order to have a positive and fulfilling surrogacy experience.
The Benefits of Surrogacy
If you’re still unsure of why surrogacy is important or are on the fence about your partner’s decision to become a surrogate, it can be helpful to know the benefits that come with it.
You likely already know how amazing your spouse is, but her decision to become a gestational carrier is a truly beautiful and selfless one.
While family is more than biology, it is important to many intended parents to have a child that shares their DNA. For some, it makes them feel closer to their child, or the feeling of having created something from themselves. By choosing to become a surrogate, your wife is becoming the catalyst for these intended parents to have the family of their dreams.
If your partner wants to work with a surrogacy agency, she will be compensated for her services. Compensation is rarely the driving factor for most surrogates, but it is a helpful benefit.
Once a pregnancy has been confirmed, your partner will receive base compensation in monthly installments. This money is hers to spend however she wants. Many surrogates put this money towards paying off debt, putting a down payment on a house or caring for their family.
All of the surrogacy and pregnancy expenses will be covered by the intended parents through a monthly allowance. The base pay and monthly allowance will be based upon your partner’s preferences and the agency she works with.
Another benefit of surrogacy is the potential to form a bond with the intended parents and the baby your partner carries for them. Your wife will be able to experience the joys of pregnancy without the responsibility of caring for another child. Depending on the contact arrangements made between your partner and the intended parents, she may be able to stay in contact with the family. You will likely have the opportunity to get to know the intended parents your partner helped and the child she carried for them.
Dispelling Common Myths
If you’re on the fence about your wife becoming a surrogate, it might be because you have concerns or have heard common myths perpetuated by the fact that surrogacy is still fairly new in the U.S. Here’s the truth about these common concerns:
My Wife will Have to Have Sex with another Man
This is not true. Surrogacy involves a carefully orchestrated medical process that takes place in a clinical setting under the supervision of a reproductive endocrinologist.
It’s also important to know the child will not be biologically related to your wife. This would be considered traditional surrogacy, which is a less common and more complicated type of surrogacy.
Instead, in gestational surrogacy, the intended parents will use an egg and/or sperm donor and their own egg or sperm to create their child through a process known as IVF. Once an embryo has been created, it will be transferred to your partner’s uterus for her to carry.
My Wife Wants to Become a Surrogate, Will This Complicate Our Relationship?
Some partners struggle with the idea of their spouse carrying another man’s baby. Surrogacy is a very personal process, but at the end of the day, your partner will be looking to you for emotional and practical support.
Her decision to carry someone else’s baby is based on the desire to help those who cannot have a child on their own. Being there for your partner and being involved when she wants you to be, can strengthen your relationship in ways you didn’t know possible.
My Wife Wants to Become a Gestational Carrier and I’m Worried She’s Being Exploited
While it’s understandable that you’re concerned about your partner’s wellbeing and if she is being taken advantage of, this is not the case. When you work with a reputable surrogacy agency, all of the intended parents are thoroughly screened.
The people who seek out surrogates do so because they want to have a child who shares their genetics, and surrogacy is their only chance to have this. Your partner will also have a surrogacy professional and a surrogacy attorney looking out for her best interests and ensuring that her rights are protected.
How You Can Help
If your wife wants to be a surrogate, and you’re on board with this decision, you will be a big part of her support system. So, what can you do?
A good place to start is to educate yourself on surrogacy by researching the process. By having a better understanding of the surrogacy process, the better you will be able to support your partner.
Get involved when she wants or needs you to. Offer to go to doctors’ appointments and surrogacy meetings. Having you there for moral support can be a huge source of comfort and reassurance. Get to know the intended parents with her, if this is something you’re comfortable with.
Be there for her. The surrogacy process is long and complex. As beautiful as it is, it can be stressful. Make yourself available to be a shoulder to lean on and offer words of encouragement.
Just as when she was pregnant with the child or children the two of you have together, be prepared to help her complete daily tasks that she might not be physically able to.
If your wife wants to be a surrogate but you’re on the fence, reach out to a surrogacy professional to get more information about surrogacy and the role you can play in your partner’s journey.