Getting to Know Your Surrogate

It's important that you find the perfect surrogate before moving forward with your surrogacy process — which is why you'll need to take the extra time to really get to know her.


Surrogates and intended parents invest a lot into their relationship with one another: time, energy, finances, trust and sacrifice. The intended parent-surrogate relationship is a unique commitment, and it is important to get to know your surrogate well before moving forward with a surrogacy plan.

As you search for a potential match, you should be looking for someone with whom you feel a natural connection, as well as someone whose hopes, plans, needs and preferences for their surrogacy experience match your own.

In this article, find out what to expect as you build a relationship with your surrogate, as well as questions to ask to ensure you are a good fit for each other.

Talking with a Prospective Match

When you find your first prospective surrogate, you’ll probably be extremely excited and ready to get started with the surrogacy process. However, even if your surrogate has been screened by your surrogacy professional, it’s important that you take the time to get to know her and determine if she’s really the right fit for your family. While her surrogate profile will tell you the important information about her, remember that surrogacy is a partnership — and you’ll need to be comfortable creating an intimate relationship with this woman going forward.

You should treat your first conversation with a prospective surrogate like a first date — a chance to figure out what her personality is like and determine whether you can get along with each other well. If you work with a surrogacy agency, your surrogacy specialist will likely set up and mediate this first conversation you have together.

Here are some good questions to ask your prospective surrogate during this conversation:

This first conversation is also a great opportunity to ask her any questions you have about the personal information she included on her profile — her profession, her family, the region where she lives and more. Make sure you don’t ask all the questions; give her a chance to ask about you, and let the conversation proceed naturally.

Getting to Know Your Surrogate

As intended parents, there are some important questions you will need to ask your surrogate when you are ready to begin discussing the details of the surrogacy. If you are working with a surrogacy agency, some of this information will be provided to you when you receive background information about a prospective surrogate.

However, if you are pursuing independent surrogacy, you will need to screen potential surrogates on your own. In these scenarios, it will be especially important to discuss the following topics — even if some questions seem personal or invasive.

Questions to Ask a Surrogate

The following are some essential questions you should ask a prospective surrogate before moving forward with a surrogacy plan:

Prospective surrogates will also have questions for you. As you answer your surrogate’s questions, it is important to be as open and honest as possible to ensure you build a solid foundation for your relationship.

What to Watch for When Interviewing Prospective Surrogates

Many times, intended parents and surrogates will have a “gut feeling” when they’ve found the perfect match. However, it’s also important to recognize when you have a feeling that someone might not be the perfect match.

Even if your surrogate has been extensively screened, there are some things to keep an eye out for when you’re speaking with her. The majority of women who pursue surrogacy are genuinely excited to help build a family, but there may be women out there who are motivated for other, less altruistic reasons. Here are some red flags to look out for:

Of course, not all of these may be ill-intended, but they should give you pause or require extra explanation from a prospective surrogate. You should definitely clear up these issues before moving forward with the legal contract or starting medical procedures. It’s also encouraged you seek out a surrogacy professional for guidance.

Final Thoughts

Finding the perfect surrogate may take time, so it’s not a process that you should rush through. You’ll need to properly get to know her and her motivations before making any legal commitments, not only to legally protect yourself but to make sure you’re preparing for as stress-free a surrogacy process as possible. While these extra steps may extend your surrogacy wait time, it will be all worth it in the end when you have the perfect baby to show for it.

Are you interested in learning more about surrogacy or starting the process? Complete our form to request free surrogacy information now.

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